About me
SIX-DAY WAR – 5th June 1967
My parents had taken the news I was going to the war very well; my mother had immediately booked me in for a sitting at a photographer’s studio in Shepherds Bush to get my portrait taken. Clearly, she wasn’t optimistic about the chances of ever seeing me again.”
Dad just said : ‘Good luck son, look after yourself.’
BECOMING A LIFE SALESMAN – 7th May 1969
‘I put my foot down in the silver E-Type and zoomed past the Albert Hall, shot straight across the amber traffic lights at Queen’s Gate and stopped on a double yellow line outside Kensington Market. Life’s too short to drive round looking for a parking space. I had my own personal parking attendant, anyway; she dropped by the flat once a month for a cup of tea or something stronger. I would end up paying about one in 20 tickets.’
COMEDY STORE opening night – 19th May 1979
‘A deafening ‘GONG’ rang out, as if Big Ben were in the room. The first victim, I mean comedian, slunk from the stage. Alexei brought on the next one. He didn’t fare any better. ‘Good evening, ladies and gentlemen’ is a strange line to finish on. This time somebody shouted, ‘Gong! Gong!’ and Billy hit the gong again. It seemed impossible to strike it softly, and now everybody joined in, yelling, ‘Gong him! Gong him!’ They were like cannon fodder, one after the other; on, off, on, off.’
MAFIA HIT MAN – June 1982
‘Three months later, I was walking through Berkeley Square in Mayfair, when outside Jack Barclay’s Rolls Royce showroom I saw Alexandro with a very big man in a full-length camel-hair overcoat with the collar pulled up, broad-rimmed black fedora and wrap-around Ray-Bans. He had a large cigar in his mouth. He could have stepped straight out of casting for The Godfather, but would probably have been rejected for looking too stereotypically Mafioso.’
CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT – March 1984
‘Why should we let you be our manager, man?” the tallest and skinniest of the three said.
‘Because I am going to make you the biggest band in the world.’
You can’t say, I’m going to take you from mediocrity to obscurity in one giant leap, can you? And anyway, I meant it. Moderation and Peter Rosengard are mutually exclusive terms.’
WORLD’S LARGEST LIFE POLICY – July 1990
There was a deafening silence. I knew the old rule: the first one to talk loses. I forgot it.
‘So Sid, what do you think?’ I’d lasted five seconds.
A pause. ‘Do you know what chutzpah is, Peter?’ Sid said slowly.
‘My name’s Rosengard, Sid. I am a Scottish Jew. A Hebrew Highlander. I think it rings a bell.’
LILY – April 1990
‘One day, we were walking through Regents Park, discussing global warming – she was explaining it to me – and as we fed the pigeons, I turned to her: “You know darling, Daddy’s not happy all the time… sometimes he is sad. What should he do to be happy again?’
She put on her thinking cap, stroked her chin and said, ‘Eat more ice cream, Daddy.’
SADOWITZ – 1999
‘I ran round the corner to Bond Street tube, with an armful of the wigs, hats and cigars. Five minutes later, I came back with a dozen Japanese tourists, all wearing Jerry wigs and hats. I’d asked them if they’d like to meet Madonna! ‘Remember, you must all shout ‘Sadowitz! We love you Jerry!’ when you see her… it’s an old English idiom for ‘Welcome to England’,’ I’d shouted as, Pied Piper-like, they followed at a trot as I ran back to the hotel.’
JOHN ‘SMEATO’ SMEATON the Glasgow airport terror attack hero – 2007
‘Before going to Italy, I got John on the Richard and Judy show, which went great. Whilst recalling why he’d gone to help the policeman, he said, ‘Because when the law falls, we all fall.’ Watching from the green room, I thought you could lock a dozen Law Lords in a room for a month and they wouldn’t come up with a better answer.’
International Motivational Speaker
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