1am Monday morning My climber daughter Lily in Australia WhatsAppd me a photo of her about to climb a 400 ft tall vertical rock - I couldn’t see any ropes‎: I woke up worrying every 20 minutes. 6.30am Exhausted,  I got out of bed and…

Peter Rosengard negotiates a tricky few days in Dublin Last Saturday I was reading the paper on a plane on my way to Dublin. Now I’m not the kind of man who likes to hit a successful cafe chain when it’s down, but the news…

In an attempt to bond with his daughter our raconteur decided that he would live a feminist vegan life Last Monday I popped over to Melbourne for six days, to see my daughter, Lily. “You went to Australia for six days?” my friend Chris said…

A week in the life of Peter Rosengard MONDAY  ‣ The phone rang; it was my friend Ronnie. “How are you,” he asked. “Great,” I said. “That is, apart from breaking my ankle this morning.” “Great! I’ve got this idea for a film based on my…

If you’re going to volunteer for a war — make sure it’s a six day one. On Monday June 5 1967 my 20-year-old self was trying to pursuade one of the Zionist Federation staff in Piccadilly Circus that I qualified for a seat on the…

Insurance man On Sunday, I was in a café in West London having a croissant and single espresso (as that famous Jewish detective Inspector Montalbano once said: "God made the croissant for espresso") when I got talking to the man at the next table, Yemi…

I flew to Ibiza this week. I'm a regular rave house basement first floor DJ there, I do it once every 40 years, but this time was different. It was the first time I'd been out of the UK since the Referendum. That things had…

Saturday During the war, when he was asked what he did when he felt the need for exercise, Churchill puffed on his cigar and said: "When I feel the need for exercise, I go and lie down in a darkened room until the feeling has…

This week, a scientist at Sheffield University- announced that the iceberg that sank the Titanic was larger than a lot of people might have thought. He has calculated that it originally weighed 75 million tonnes and was more than 100,000 years old. By the time…

Willie Sutton, the famous American bank robber in the 1930s who kept robbing banks, going to jail, coming out, robbing more banks, was once greeted by the usual pack of reporters and cameramen when he left prison again. "Willie!" a reporter shouted. "Why do you…

The attack on the Cereal Killer café in the East End a few weeks ago - I assume the anti-gentrification mob attacked at breakfast time - reminded me of those 5.30am walks in the 1950s with my grandfather, from Aldgate East tube past the Whitechapel…

Do you know any 14-16- year-olds who have after-school jobs these days? When I was a teenager in the 1960s everybody had one. Health and Safety must have put a stop to them - the risks are just too great. They could be radicalised by…

Towards the end of June, I got an email inviting me to give a speech in Fiji. It took me less than a second to accept the invitation. "Did you know the JC was big in Fiji," I asked the editor. "No," he said. "I…

On Tuesday afternoon, I went for my annual Harley Street medical check up. I took a very small lift to the fourth floor, face to face with a very large lady in a very large hat with fruit on it: I was tempted to eat…

"You're the third Klaureen I've met this week," I said. She looked shocked. "Must be April's hot name," I told her. The first lady with the badge spelling "Klaureen", behind the counter at the Passport Office said: "Sorry, you're smile's too big," as she looked…

The phone rang at midnight on Sunday; my good friend Lev, was calling from Montreal. "Hey man… It's dad's Yahrzeit tomorrow. You coming?" It's minus 33 degrees in Montreal, I might have just about made it back home to London alive - as a human…

Peter Rosengard (second left) with dignitaries including Boris Johnson and Simon Schama as the sculpture went on view at the Olympic Park A monument commemorating the 9/11 tragedy was unveiled this week, after a five-year search to find it a permanent home. Mayor Boris Johnson,…

The phone rang in my hotel room in Montego Bay; it was Shirleen the laundry supervisor. "Mr Rosengard? We're waving your underpants!" "That's wonderful news Shirleen." I said. "It must be a Jamaican New Year's custom I thought- 'Wave the Underpants Day!' She rang back;…

I'm not a shopper - only for one reason: I hate shopping. For one thing, it would interfere with my obsession for news. I love news -24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If it's happened anywhere in the world, I need to know…

'Dad, I really like your drawings and paintings; when you're dead I'm going to hold an exhibition of them." My daughter said to me one evening last summer. "Thank you darling," I said. "That's a really nice idea, but I've got a better one: why…

When I fly, I'm a recliner. I don't care how long the flight is - five minutes or five hours - as soon as we're airborne, I'm reclining my seat. In fact, I don't even wait to get on board; I practise on three adjacent…

Saturday, 7pm. The phone rang as I was working on my new book, My 10 Greatest Life Insurance Sales - to Churchill, Stalin, Hitler, Genghis Khan, Henry VIII ("You've got to have 'Wife Life', Your Majesty! Have you ever thought what would happen if one…

Last week I flew to Toronto for the world's largest life insurance sales convention. The good citizens of the city had plenty of advance warning and had already fled en masse south to the American border before the 9,000 crack salesmen and women, from over…

One evening in January, in a bar in Marylebone, I got talking to a Norwegian businessman and his English girlfriend. His name was Bjorn and, like all Scandinavians, he was a very tall, modest, quiet man. So it was only after a few drinks that…

I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned before that I’ve got a monkey living in my flat. I bought him last summer in Bourne End. The statisticians among my readers will, I am sure, be able to confirm a spike in road accidents on the M4…

I got an email on Tuesday from someone called Phil from Wales. “Please can I come and have a look at your watering can?” I live in a third floor flat — I don’t have a garden. I’d been passing a famous London auction room…

How long could I hold out before the banks of the Regents Park Canal burst and reached my third floor flat? If just one drop of water got into my BlackBerry, my life would be over. I glanced down— its red light was still flashing.…

The news last week that millions of Flushmate (model 111 ) toilets in the US are being recalled because they can explode, not only sent tremors down the toilet world but it’s also worrying for the 300 million Americans who go to the toilet. Toilets…

London’s flooded with Russian oligarchs — but can you find an oligarch when you want one? No, you can’t. I’ve been looking for one for over two years —hoping to find even a little oligarch to whom I can sell a billion-dollar life insurance policy:…

Last week, I was standing at the counter of my local café, just about to pay the bill for my breakfast, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned round to see Si, a friend who’s a famous TV pundit, about to sit…

As I drove back to London last week after taking my daughter to start her big adventure — university — I thought back to her batmitzvah speech when she’d revealed that when she was a little girl, every day when she came home from school…

Four weeks ago I woke up and thought I’d do a one-man show at the Edinburgh Fringe. This was an unusual thought because I’m a life insurance salesman in London. I rang William Burdett-Coutts, who has been “The Fringe” for over 30 years. “Will, what…

Three weeks ago, I was a guest of a luxury watch company in their box at the Albert Hall to watch Eric Clapton. Never have the hands of time passed more slowly. All started well; there was a party atmosphere, good company, lots to drink,…

On Sunday, I went on a blind date. I was fully prepared. My 17-year-old daughter had texted me my instructions: “Dad, don’t be on the phone the whole time — in fact don’t even take your BlackBerry. Don’t talk about yourself the whole time. Don’t…

I've got a book coming out. My publisher is very busy - often the only time we talk is when he's walking home in rush hour. He's a power walker so he is always out of breath. He rang me yesterday. "Peter? puff… puff…It's your……

The editor has had quite a week. He tweeted: "I've had car vandalised, been pick-pocketed and had pram stolen from locked car. In leafy suburbia." And "the police don't give a damn". I am of course hugely sympathetic but it could have been worse. It…

Last week, I drove to Bourne End (on Thames) to visit my old friend Guy. We were heading for Costa Coffee, when I suddenly dived into a hardware shop Hardware shops are like another planet - they're full of things I don't recognise, but I…

Have you got the Jewish Chronicle?” I always loudly ask in London newsagents. I like to do my bit for interfaith relations… never the “JC” for me. But when I said it last weekend, all I got was a blank stare and guttural muttering, in…

I was sipping a rum punch, looking down on billionaires' yachts from the terrace of a house in Antigua. I can't pinpoint the exact moment the conversation at lunch moved from yachts to 9/11 but I suddenly found myself saying heatedly to the other guests:…

Last Friday, my daughter Lily and I flew to Rangoon. We were met by our bowing, smiling driver: "My name is Bon; James Bon!" he said, laughing uproariously. I opened my itinerary. "Tourists may be followed by plain-clothes officers for the first few days." "Bon,…

I'm starting my own Middle East diversionary tactic today in the hope that this might restore some sense of proportion to the newspapers' front pages. And here is Rosengard's Breaking News Headline: Saudi Arabia has dirty fridges. In an international study of nine countries, 95…

Alert regular readers of this monthly column, will I'm sure have noticed that it recently celebrated its third anniversary. Now, I know that compared to the Arab Spring..the US elections the civil war in Syria and the nuclear threat posed by Iran, not to mention…

Last Saturday I had to fly to New York. At six that evening I was in a cab heading from JFK into Manhattan, when the driver said "The Tornado is due at 9pm." He said it like a waiter saying "your breakfast will be with…

Alert readers will have noticed that my column recently celebrated its third anniversary. This didn't escape the eagle eye of our editor - and you can imagine my delight when the big man himself had breakfast with me in a leading hotel (OK, Claridge's). "I've…

Last Saturday, I flew to New York. At 6pm I was in a cab from JFK into Manhattan, when the driver said: "The tornado is due at 9pm." He said it like a waiter saying, "your eggs will be with you in five minutes." "What!!?"…

London Olympic conversation number one, in a taxi. "Going to the Games?" I ask the cabbie. "No mate… I've got no tickets," he said sadly. Did you apply for any tickets? "No, I didn't" "You know something? I think there's a connection here," I said.…

London Olympic conversation number one, in a taxi. "Going to the Games?" I ask the cabbie. "No mate… I've got no tickets," he said sadly. Did you apply for any tickets? "No, I didn't" "You know something? I think there's a connection here ," I…

Last Tuesday, I'd just come out of Hyde Park on my red Vespa and was proceeding jauntily down Exhibition Road when I noticed they'd painted a big circle in the road. Now, I know all about the new Kensington and Chelsea austerity measures but I…

With 56 days to go to the Olympics, I'm already excited. Everybody is. My friend Simon is so excited that he and his family are leaving London the week before and only coming back when the games are over. "Are you crazy?" I asked. "Where's…

As regular readers of this monthly column will know, I've been eating out every night for the past 15 years. It's not easy, but someone has to keep London's restaurants going, especially in these austere times. And It doesn't matter whether I order spaghetti or…

As regular readers of this monthly column will know, I've been eating out every night for the last 15 years. It's not easy, but someone has to keep London's restaurants going, especially recently in these austere times. And It doesn't matter whether I order spaghetti…

Any chance of my becoming a famous TV celebrity historian was dashed at 14 when, in order to pursue my foolish, romantic, childhood dream of becoming a dentist, I switched to biology, chemistry and physics. So, when I went on a day-trip to Oxford last…

Any chance of my becoming a famous TV celebrity HIstorian was dashed at 14 when in order to pursue my foolish romantic childhood dream of becoming a dentist I switched to Biology Chemistry and Physics. So when I went on a day trip to Oxford…

Last Monday morning I'd just crossed Conduit street when I saw a warden about to write me a parking ticket. I ran over. "Stop! don't give me a ticket," I shouted. "I'm a great friend of the Yoruba people. I love Lagos. Nigeria is my…

One morning in June 1990, I walked into a sports car showroom in Wandsworth, "Hi, I'm Peter Rosengard." "Like the car?" The owner asked. "There's a French car called a Rosengart." "That's unbelievable!" I said. Naturally I had to have one. So what if it…

Last Saturday morning, I was sitting on a bench in Central Park in NY. I looked up from my New York Times to see that a six-foot-tall, red, furry creature had sat down next to me. "Hi," it said. "I'm Elmo." "Hi, Elmo." I said…

I spent last weekend in Glasgow. This came as a slight surprise to me as I was meant to be in the Highlands. I'd taken the midnight sleeper from Euston. But at the other end, after being driven down rain-washed, dark, granite-faced streets for five…

Two weeks ago I was sitting peacefully on my rucksack that turns in a split second into a portable armchair, on the quay at Blakeney in North Norfolk. A man walked up to me and said: "Forget the bacon." Was I suddenly in the middle…

In the 60s I grew up on the Central line between East Acton and Oxford Circus. We lived in East Acton and I played football with the Charge family who lived on the huge council estate that stretched all the way back to the White…

Moses the moth man called me back on Tuesday afternoon. "Mr Rosengard, I've just surveyed your flat and you've got moths." "I know I've got moths, Moses. that's why I called you on Friday." "Well they're in your cupboard with the clothes and I can…

Last weekend my friend Charles took his family to Disneyland Paris. When Lily was four we'd taken her there and stayed in one of the hotels. Just as we'd checked in, Lily said hello to Minnie Mouse who just happened to be strolling by. The…

Last week I was looking at the adverts in the window of the local newsagents, when I noticed a one bedroom flat for sale for £399,000. As I've been thinking for the last 20 years about buying a property as an investment, on impulse I…

Although my Grandpa Harry was a professional runner (as in bookie's) I've never been the sporty type. So nobody was more surprised than me that when Big Ben struck midnight last Monday, I was in my pyjamas hunched over the computer, clicking onto the Olympics…

Last Saturday I had dinner at the very hot Bocca di Lupo restaurant in Soho. I'd phoned in the afternoon but they were fully booked. "I'm really sorry!", an Italian guy said. "That's a shame", I said. "I wanted to bring a famous comedian who's…

Last Tuesday morning I went to get a tube of toothpaste from my chemist, off Bond Street. A handwritten sign in the wood-framed olde worlde shop window read: 'We wish to thank all our loyal customers…' They'd closed down. Unbelievable! They'd been there forever. I…

Thirty years ago, I was working on a kibbutz, looking after the cows, and one day I had an idea. I suggested they market a brand of cheese and call it 'Cheeses of Nazareth'. For some reason they didn't go for it. I like cheese,…

On Saturday night I made an appointment with myself to stay in and watch the pay-per-view heavyweight championship of the world boxing match between the challenger Audley Harrison and the champion David Haye on Sky. After five minutes of pointing my two remote controls at…

In which my mother’s cheesecake, Barclays fraud, and dying of worry are all part of a typical Saturday Last Saturday I dropped in on my parents’ weekly coffee morning, ‘Sally’s salon.’ My mother opened the door. “Have some cheesecake,” she said. “No thanks, Mum. I’m…

I had a great day out when I went to see the Pontiff On Yom Kippur, while I was coming out of the synagogue, across the street I saw two young girls holding up a banner saying: "We love the Pope more than beans on…

My BlackBerry addiction is so advanced that I keep walking into lampposts I read last week that people are spending seven hours a day on their mobile phones and the internet. "What's the matter with them!?" I thought. "Why are they wasting the other 17…

Last Thursday I flew to Scotland as my daughter Lily had a climbing competition — Great Britain against France. Thank God the Germans and Austrians weren’t competing as, last year, they wiped the floor with us. They should definitely ban all countries with mountains on…

Watching thousands of men go totally crazy is a great show, but I never understood the football With the World Cup looming, I decided not to be taken by surprise. Despite never having had any interest in football since April 2007, I've been pretending to…

What do you do if you’re a divorced male who can’t cook? Eat out… every single night I've eaten out in restaurants every night for the past 10 years. Looking back in my diary I see I embarked on my epic dining out career on…

I've eaten out in restaurants every night for the last ten years. Looking back in my diary I see I embarked on my epic dining out career on the night I got divorced. I can't cook. I think there might be a connection. I don't…

'Have you got Trapped on a Small Island by a Huge Volcanic Dust Cloud?" I asked the assistant at Daunts bookshop. "Who's it by?", she asked. "I'll look it up." I got back on my red Vespa scooter, drove 10 yards down the street and…

"Have you got 'Trapped on a Small Island by a Huge Volcanic Dust Cloud?'" - I asked the assistant at Daunts bookshop. "Who's it by?" ..she asked.-"I'll look it up." I got back on my red Vespa scooter ,and drove 10 yards down the street,…

Last Tuesday morning, I felt an ache in my lower back. As I’ve never had back pain in my life, naturally I feared the worst. "Could it be cancer of the bottom ?" I asked my doctor on the phone. "Have you done anything unusually…

Tell me the truth, doctor — are me and my jacket going to make it? Last Tuesday morning, I felt an ache in my lower back. As I've never had back pain in my life, naturally I feared the worst. "Could it be cancer of…

Before getting into bed last night, I wrote down the 24hr emergency hotline number that was on the jar of gherkins I'd just bought. You just never know when you'll need to make that call. Admittedly,... assuming that you haven't slipped in the shower, while…

How the pickled fruit helped me when I was feeling lonely Before getting into bed last night, I wrote down the 24-hour emergency hotline number that was on the jar of gherkins I'd just bought. You just never know when you'll need to make that…

Machetes and a motorbike accident drove me back to Blighty — where the terror threat level is severe By the way, before I forget, did I ever mention that mine must be the only Jewish family in the world where all three of us —…

By the way, before I forget, did I ever mention that mine must be the only Jewish family in the world where all 3 of us, my brother, sister and me have Chinese children? Anyway, my sister lives in Bali. "It certainly beats Bushey." I…

Follow my example and don’t let the elbow-room snatchers get you down. I’d just arrived at the theatre with Lily to see Thriller, the Michael Jackson tribute show. I put my arm on the armrest. There was another arm already there on my side of…

It’s amazing how fast one can zip across the city with the help of a minor ailment and a £20 note The cardiologist was just threading 25ft of tiny Dyno-Rod plastic piping into my coronary arteries when he asked: “How much would a £1m life…

The cardiologist was just threading 25ft of tiny Dyno-Rod plastic piping into my coronary arteries when he asked: “How much would a £1m life insurance policy cost me?” “Just concentrate on what you’re doing, doctor,” I said. “Right now, the only life insurance policy likely…

Glamour, excitement, adventure - a normal day for an insurance salesman If you’re ever on a plane and the passenger in the next seat won’t stop talking, just tell him you’re a life insurance salesman; he won’t say another word. He might even try to…

If you’re ever on a plane and the passenger in the next seat won’t stop talking, just tell him you’re a life insurance salesman; he won’t say another word. He might even try to get off the plane… in mid flight. I should know —…

On Yom Kippur I made my first visit to synagogue since my daughter’s batmitzvah in March, when, just before commencing the service, the rabbi announced “No recording equipment of any kind is allowed.” Everything was going without a hitch, until I stood up with the…

In July, my 13-year-old daughter Lily flew to Camp George, a URJ summer camp on a lake near Toronto. Swine flu was at its peak. Naturally I was a little concerned: “Did I just hear you cough?.. You sweating Lily?” “Dad, Stop being paranoid!” It…

Last Thursday night I was at Harry Morgan’s having my weekly dinner with my friend Arnold. “I went to see a client in the City today, and the receptionist asked me my name. I told her it was Peter Rosengard.” “She picked up a phone…

Last Friday, my friend Arnold asked me what I was doing for the weekend. “I’m going climbing,” I said. “Climbing. The only climbing you’ve ever done is of the social variety!” “I happen to come from a long line of Jewish mountaineers; my uncle, Sherpa…

Peter Rosengard loses his mobile phone. Visiting friends last half term holiday, we had just taken off on our flight from Montreal to Toronto. "Can I have my phone back Lily? I asked my 13 year old daughter. "I haven't got it Dad." "I gave…

Daniel knelt by my side at the table, a knife in his hand. With one decisive blow… he sliced the top off my boiled egg. “ At last!... perfection Mr Rosengard!” he said. “Yellow runny; white firm.” “Well done Daniel,” I said to the young…

Daniel knelt by my side at the table, a knife in his hand; with one decisive blow... he sliced the head off my boiled egg. " At last!... perfection... Mr Rosengard!" He said. "Yellow runny... white hard." "Well done Daniel." I said to the young…

Last Wednesday I was eating breakfast at The Regency (“Home of the Power Breakfast”) Hotel in New York. At the next table was a bald, middle-aged man in glasses, in a dark gray T-shirt and black shirt jacket reading the New York Times. “Larry! “…

When your ten year old daughter shouts "Daddy! Don't stand up in the canoe!" It is a good idea to listen to her. I didn't; I stood up, and a second later we were both swimming in The Lake of The Two Rivers.We were in…

Just after breakfast the other day, I was standing in Claridge’s foyer, when an elderly portly gentleman in tweeds with a neatly clipped grey moustache, walked briskly up to me. “Good morning.” he said. ”Where are you off to?” Before I could answer, he said…

I drop Lily, my daughter off at Norland Place school in Notting Hill, she looks like she is in the SAS, and about to parachute into a war zone as she struggles up the steps carrying a cello as big as her, in her left…

So,.... my hopefully still loyal/alive? readers... here is my first new column in over 2 years. Formerly the Saturday Column.. It is now back as ROSENGARDWORLD Hope you like it. Last Sunday, I was just starting on my sixth single espresso at breakfast at Raouls,…

Just before Christmas I was invited back to my old school to address the Annual Old Boys Dinner. There were about two hundred and fifty Old Boys present and, in the bar beforehand, over a couple of large whiskies, I looked around trying to find…

It all started on my birthday on December 11th. I didn't get a single card. I just could not believe it. I always used to get twenty, or thirty, cards… OK that was when I was in kindergarten… and in recent years I admit the…

Happy New Year! And Welcome to Pete's Top Ten Travel Tips for 2002! Did you read this week's news story about the woman flying from Sweden to America who flushed the plane's toilet and was sucked into the bowl? She was stuck there for the…

As I type this, it's been over seven weeks since the War Between Two Civilizations began, and as a total and stunning victory seems only days away at most, I feel it is time to look back to when it all began, with the lightning…

The doctor was just saying "Mr.Rosengard, we have just had the test results back, and we have discovered that you were born with the biggest brain tumour in medical history… as big as your entire head. However, the good news is that, because of the…

The Times front-page story of a Pasta famine in Italy wouldn't usually have caused me to panic, but as I was on a plane to Rome for a week's holiday in Tuscany, I panicked. I pressed the button for the stewardess. "Did you know about…

I have just returned from visiting the US Embassy here in London with my six-year old daughter Lily and my ex-wife. We went there to place a bouquet of flowers to honour the thousands of innocent people who died in the attacks against America this…

It was 3am this morning when the phone rang. It was Anand, a young Indian comedian friend of mine, who is living in Los Angeles. He is in London for a few days. We were due to meet for breakfast. "Are you asleep?" he asked.…

You might just have missed it on the News this week, but The Queen of Bali arrived in London on Monday for a private visit. Her Majesty, otherwise known as my kid sister, Tabatha, has lived in Bali for the last fifteen years, and is…

On Saturday morning I dropped in on my parents. I thought I would surprise them. They live five minutes from me in a mansion block on Baker Street, exactly behind Sherlock Holmes's flat. I rang the video entrance phone. Five minutes later, the screen flickered…

You will remember I was in Disneyland a couple of months ago. The day before 'The Mickey Mouse Incident' my mobile phone had rung; it was Howard, an old friend I had lost contact with years ago. Every couple of years, I would bump into…

I feel the time has come for me to appeal to you, my readers, for a small favour. NO… I don't want to borrow any money. Actually, I need your help in getting me back into the Guinness. NO... I have not been kidnapped by…

Peter Rosengard hits the campaign trail 50 years after his Uncle Jack captured Rudolf Hess. But just whose side is he on? And why is his candidate dead? The last member of my family to play an active role in politics was in 1942, when…

I have no idea why I am here, but I am at the 54th Cannes Film Festival. (Which for reader Mr. L in Uzbekistan is on the French Riviera, France. 'We are Serious and Fun' is this column's credo.) Everybody in this town is a…

I was born with the 'Not to Queue' gene. I found this out only recently when I went for a routine life insurance medical. They accepted me at standard rates, but with an exclusion clause that the policy was null and void should I ever…

I have been watching those horrible scenes on the TV News night after night and, like millions of other fathers of young children, I also reached for the remote control before my five year old caught a glimpse of... those pictures… of John Prescott on…

I once found an Italian family of five living in my flat. I had never seen them before in my life. They had been there for months. I hadn't heard a thing. Mind you, it was a big flat; they were in the East wing.…

I was clearing up my home office the other day (also known as "that room full of rubbish", as Cathy my cleaner calls it), when I came across a 1982 letter from Prince Charles, (actually it was from his Private Secretary) which began, 'Prince Charles…

When I want to hear a live Premier League football match, I always call my local mini cab firm. They have often considerately played the commentary for a whole game while you are on hold, before the controller finally comes on the line with "Dream…

Today's new's that UBS Warburg has cancelled ex President Clinton's forthcoming speech to their company, (Title; 'How to Pardon the Rich, Furnish Your Home with Millions of Dollars of Taxpayers Gifted Furniture for Nothing! and get $150,000 for this speech !')… couldn't have come at…

It's Saturday afternoon. I am lying on the sofa in my living room, trying to think what this column will be about. Yes, I know I should have thought about it earlier. I decide to put off writing anything, by going to sleep for a…

As an internationally read columnist, naturally I cannot open my mail without finding it overflowing with invitations to attend all the major events in London. The premiers, the parties thrown by the rich and famous, you know the kind of thing. So, having received my…

In 1989 I had 753 breakfasts. Of course, that meant that some days I had to have two or even three breakfasts. I know what you are thinking: that's a lot of bacon and eggs! I know that. My doctor told me "You don't have…

President Auberon Waugh’s sudden death on Tuesday at the age of just 61, when he was assassinated in Somerset by a member of his own bodyguard, who burst into the Presidential bathroom firing a machine gun whilst he was on the lavatory, came as a…

There’s nothing like getting back to your own home after the long Christmas holidays is there? Home to the heartwarming sounds of your neighbourhood, the tinkling sound of breaking glass at 4am that tells you 2001 has got off to a cracking good start for…

I've just got back from my Christmas holiday in Barbados. The flight was OK, but every time I got up to walk up and down the aisle, to avoid the airline's Christmas Special Festive Gift of deep vein thrombosis,(or having a heart attack, after the…

It was my birthday on Monday, so naturally, as soon as I woke up, I checked out all my readers e- Greetings. I had two messages. I clicked on the first one:"BUY VIAGRA NOW!" I clicked on the next one, from Jessica: " Re: The…

This morning I went to see Barny the Churchmouse.. THE MUSICAL. As far as I'm concerned, you can keep Les Miserables, Chicago, and the Phantom, because when Barny the Churchmouse is in town, I am there on the first night. Or in this case First…

A lot of people say that I don't pay total attention to the road when I am driving. But I think it is very bad manners, if I have a passenger in the back seat, not to turn around when I talk to them. I…

Have you noticed how difficult it is to hire a really reliable hitman these days?" It's like trying to find a good nanny or cleaner. I read the other day that in America, over the last ten years professional hits have grown from 500 to…

"On Tuesday morning I told 17 people that I love them. Then I got out of bed, dressed and had breakfast." Now I'd be the first to admit that my personal life hasn't always been as straightforward as I would have wished at times, but…

(NEWS junkie. Peter Rosengard has been watching TV news for 36hours non stop..now he is part of the story!) I have been sitting here in West London watching TV news non stop now for 36 hours. CNN/Sky News BBC news at 10 CH4 news at…

It was a dark and stormy night…actually it wasn't, but I've always wanted to say that. That was the night before I lost my voice. Which was last night. Halloween. I went out trick or treating without my coat.. I KNOW.. it was STOOPID!! But…

A month ago someone kicked the wing mirror off my car and then urinated all over it..the car not the mirror. I instinctively felt this was unlikely to be a new specialised car wash promotion from the Bosnians who wash your windscreens at traffic lights…

My phone rang at 1 a.m. this morning. It was my dot com paper millionaire friend, Lloyd: "Peter can I borrow your book 'How to disappear completely and never be found?'?" "Does this mean your £10 million second round financing has been unsuccessful?" I asked.…

Not everybody at the BAFTAs at the Grosvenor House on Sunday night was Surprised when I told them about BAFTAS new ruling that there has to be a life assurance salesman on at least one jury. In my case for this years Best Comedy Programme.…

I'd been out clubbing. Okay, so I am 52, but I know my rights. I can go clubbing if I want to. The fact is I still go clubbing pretty regularly. Okay I go clubbing once a year...but always on the first Saturday night in…

Cigar man Peter Rosengard just can't get enough big butts Recently I became a father for the first time at the age of 48. Naturally I rushed out immediately to buy a box of cigars. At moments like this, you don't stop to think that…

Choirs, limos, gunshot wounds: in Dallas, life insurance salesmen's conventions can be pretty lively affairs, says Peter Rosengard The taxi I took from Dallas airport had an 8ft-wide pair of cow horns tied to The roof. |The driver was Afro-American and wore a white stetson…

It started out as a great idea - a creative marriage of dirty linen and fine art. Peter Rosengard explains A couple of weeks ago I had my first exhibition as a painter at the Alterations gallery in Holland Park, otherwise known as Perkins the…

A hairy story by Peter Rosengard One day last week, I was just finishing my breakfast when I decided to surprise my parents, who were on holiday in Israel, by flying over to Jerusalem for the weekend. To achieve the maximum element of surprise I…

When Peter Rosengard embarked on a new career as a television chat-show host, he didn’t realise he would end up talking to himself. The other evening my wife told me that my latest plan to escape from a career as an insurance salesman by becoming…

Today's burglar doesn't mind if you are home. Peter Rosengard tells a tale he will be able to dine out on. A couple of weeks ago we were burgled. It happened as we were eating dinner at home in Notting Hill, west London. When I…

When the pilot spoke on the intercom, Peter Rosengard started to panic. I had been on the plane back from my holiday for about five minutes when the pilot came on the intercom. "Hello, everyone! I am your captain for this afternoon’s flight. We will…

Who'd be a life insurance salesman? It's all cold calling to strangers and the cold shoulder from friends. But Peter Rosengard thinks his time has come. I must admit, talking about heart attacks, cancer and death all day long can get a little depressing, but…

Now Peter Rosengard is not paranoid, but he's left handed, he's the same age as Bill Clinton,and he keeps having these narrow escapes. My weekend cottage is in deepest Sussex, just up the road from the sleepy village of Wadhurst, where this month a couple…

For 10 years Peter Rosengard has been starting his day at Claridge's, in the company of total strangers. Mr Bacon didn’t turn up for breakfast this morning. I didn’t take it personally. How could I? He doesn’t even know me. You may think it’s unusual…